Mark Evans Studio

Lately I’ve been listening to the West End cast recording of the Benjamin Button musical, and it’s been sitting with me in a way I didn’t expect.  I mean, it’s STUNNING! Really wonderful music. But, what I’m referring to is something else. Like the film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, the story follows a man who is born old and ages in reverse. Listening to the music this time, I found myself thinking less about the fantasy of it and more about the philosophy behind it. Imagine entering the world with all the wisdom you would ever possess. You already understand what matters. You already know not to waste time. You already know which arguments aren’t worth having, which fears are unnecessary, and which moments deserve your full attention. And then, instead of your body slowly failing you as you age, it does the opposite. Every year you become stronger. More capable. More energetic. More physically free. It completely flips the human experience upside down. Because for most of ...

  I’ve written about ambivalence before, and I’m writing about it again deliberately. Not because I’ve run out of things to say, but because I think it’s one of those emotional experiences we constantly try to rush ourselves out of. We want certainty. We want clarity. We want to know exactly how we feel so we can make a clean decision and move on. But life rarely works that way. It’s one of the most valuable things my therapist ever helped me to understand. Our relationships to people, places, work, versions of ourselves, and even dreams can be deeply complicated. You can love something and still feel exhausted by it. You can miss someone and know they are not good for you. You can be grateful for a place while also wanting to leave it behind. These truths can exist at the same time. Ambivalence is uncomfortable because it asks us to tolerate contradiction. It asks us not to flatten our feelings into something simpler just because simplicity feels safer. Often, when we experience c...